[Ray J and women]. Retrieved May 3, 2016. From: http://halloftheblackdragon.com/reel/the-downside-to-dating-a-certain-type/

 One-Man-Two-Women Silhouette[electronic image]. Retrieved April 1,2016, from https://onefourthlife.files.wordpress.com/2015/09/one-man-two-women-silhouette.jpg?w=336
It’s amazing that men and women discover things about relationships at drastically different times in their lives. Women are frustrated about men who date multiple women despite their claims of wanting to settle down. For women, it sounds hypocritical. For men, it makes perfect sense. The problem is in the process and definition of the word “date.” For men dating is a process, but for women it concludes a process. Women feel dating means exclusive and that’s not what all men think at all.

Contrary to popular belief, men don’t want to date multiple women just so they can be considered Casanovas. It’s not about being greedy or about sex. It’s not to waste time (men have clocks, too). Think of it as such:

Why fish with a pole when you can fish with a net?

Men are encouraged by mothers, grandmothers and older/married men to date multiple women. We are told not to rush, to take our time, and to figure out what we truly desire. At every wedding, “How’d you know she was the one,” is commonly asked. The answer in his mind probably goes something like, “It came down to two girls, and one accepted or saw something in me that others didn’t.” Men are encouraged to “comparison-shop.” It’s not a competition; we don’t want you to do or put up with anything you normally wouldn’t. The cream will rise to the top in due time.

Here’s how it works: We cast a net, keep the potentials and all other fish from the sea go right back. And women can do the same with men. The hope is we choose each other and it’s not forced, because we’ve seen what’s out there. The goal is to have no regrets or “what if” thoughts later because for some reason there are always two strong possibilities.

Men want to choose the right woman, the first time.

We don’t want break-ups, constant trying, divorce or separations. As you know, after a breakup, that other option is usually either no longer single or it’s weird because you haven’t spoken in months. Meanwhile, you lose your social life and move too fast with a person that it may or may not work with. For men, it’s a huge gamble until you prove to be worth the risk. Therefore, it’s an irrational expectation that you should be the only person in our lives while we’re courting each other. We also don’t expect to be the only person in yours until we’ve decided to be exclusive.

It’s a very calculated approach, and very different from women’s. The time it takes to whittle down the field is usually too long for women. Genuinely liking and seeing potential in more than one woman is hard. He wants to hurt no one; he just wants to get it right. The amount of time you’re willing to wait is up to you. Just remember your patience may be a deciding factor.

Written By: Johnny Brownlee II

Follow Johnny on Instagram: @slin_k_polymath


  1. It’s funny because I learned this as a lesson through my younger dating years and the first dating book to articulate this to me was Matthew Hussey’s “Get the Guy”. The most frustrating thing for me was the conflicting message given to young women. Women are not encouraged to date more than one man at a time because that comes with an all too familiar stigma. The double standard causes many women to waste time when otherwise, they too could be casting a wide net then narrowing down potential suitors. When men date multiple women, they are celebrated. Women who date multiple men are shamed as “hoes” and “used up”. I agree that dating is a process, but unfortunately the same rules do not apply equally to both sexes.

  2. My attitude has changed over the years. I was married for almost 30 years and in a dead end relationship until I called it quits. My wife would have carried on for the rest of her life. I started “dating” other women after that and soon discovered that most wanted someone permanent. I however just want to have fun. I don’t want any commitments, nor do I promise any. One month I was on dates with eight different women, and had sex with three of them. I just got back from a two month trip into southern Mexico with one woman and we are friends with benefits but I don’t want anything more serious than that. I am a busy person and value my time and wont waste time with a woman who wants “friends first”. No sex, no date, no fun.
    I don’t know where the idea came from that couples should be exclusive. I enjoy meeting new women, getting to know them and sleeping with them.
    Anyways just my 2 bits worth. BTW I am 63 and enjoy life tremendously. Seems to be lots of single women in my age group who love me paying attention to them.


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