Considering how important sex seems to be for relationships these days; it is amazing how afraid people are to engage in honest adult conversations about sex. But for a component that’s such a major part of relationships, it’s foolish to not discuss it. There are three very distinct sex conversations that need to be had regardless of what type of relationship you’re in; and all three need to be discussed before crossing that bridge. Consider these discussions a part of getting to know each other and communicating.
- Fantasies /Desires – One of the most basic discussion but one of the most important series of conversations any couple will have is about fantasies and desires. Before having sex, you need to know what are they into? We need to be aware of what gets the other off, what do you intend to do if given the chance? By answering those questions alone, we find out what each other thinks about and plans. But adjacent to that conversation we need to address needs and expectations. It’s fruitless to discuss desires and fantasies without needs and expectations; fantasies set up anticipation and expectation. We need to vocalize not only what we’re into, but what we’re unwilling to do and turned off by; these things could be deal breakers because we each have a type of sex we like to take part in and possibly a schedule we like to follow regarding it. One of you may be too freaky for the other. If you meet someone with a way higher or way lower sex drive than yours, it can be a deal breaker, you must be prepared and willing to love and connect with that person in other ways, and it’s a huge adjustment you need to be prepared to make. This is how we ensure sexual compatibility.
- Safe Sex – For some, it sounds crazy and for others, it’s a no duh, but we absolutely have to talk about sex safe. We need to make sure that our definitions of safe and responsible line up. We not only need to know whom we are sleeping with but how many people we are sharing a bed with. Do you use protection regularly and for which acts? We live in a world where people think of protection as birth control only, but will use the eye test for STD’s or complain about the lack of feeling. Before engaging in sex you should get tested together regularly, especially if you’re not in a monogamous relationship. Your life is far too important to risk on a gamble of, “They look healthy.” Particularly since many STD’s show no visible symptoms and can go undetected for years; there are numerous STD’s that can be transmitted even while wearing a condom. Protection is a must, demand it! Anyone upset, turned off, or refusing to get tested or use protection is a deal breaker.
- The what if’s? – As stated many people worry about birth control more than anything else. It’s prudent to have a discussion concerning the what ifs. What are your views on birth control or emergency contraception? What is and is not an option in the event of an unplanned pregnancy? We all know how sensitive, emotional and controversial the topic of abortion is. This is not something you want to discuss once it happens. By having this discussion before having sex, it is a clear declaration that if you don’t want kids, or feel unprepared for them right now, then we need to be disciplined about protection and not take unnecessary risk. We understand what our options are, and we are fully aware of what the possibilities are. As a man pregnancy scares are terrifying if he doesn’t want children, want any more children, doesn’t plan on them with the particular woman or he is unprepared for parenthood. So put him on notice early, it’s an uncomfortable conversation, but a heads up he’ll appreciate, and it’s a conversation that can always be referred to later.
Sex and intimacy are important parts of relationships. But so are trust, honesty, and communication. In most relationships, we’re all too excited to talk about the arousing part of sex, but afraid to talk about the dark side of sex and what happens if we do it recklessly. As adults we know that there is a good and bad side to everything, so let’s be realistic and open about all the possibilities ahead of time.
Written By: Johnny Brownlee II
Follow Johnny on Instagram : @slin_k_polymath