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“Be more loving” is a phrase that’s easier said than done. When we think of being more loving or being a better lover, we tend to think of our romantic relationships. But using the word “lover” simply means a person who loves. I’ve devoted years of my life to figuring out how I can be the kind of lover that I say I am. I want to actually walk the walk– not just talk the talk.

So here’s a short list of ways that have helped me become a better lover.


Be there for your friends and family more. Support them, show up for them when you can, and send more text messages and emails to let them know you love them.

Unlearn negative beliefs you have about love in order to make room for new ones.

Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.

Don’t be afraid to be transparent.

Create intimacy. Understand that intimacy can be anything from having an inside joke, to sharing your dreams and fears.

Hug and kiss more.

Love your authentic and genuine self, and practice being that.

Let go of the illusion of control. Love doesn’t respond to or grow from manipulation.


Just like learning to ride a bicycle requires practice, being a more loving person also requires practice and patience. Being a better lover requires that we research and study love just as we would any other subject that we desire to learn about. Keep in mind that we won’t become better lovers overnight, it takes time! Stay committed to improving, check yourself when you go astray, and be patient with yourself as you evolve.

Written By: Kahina Ray

Follow Kahina on Instagram: @_k.ray


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