You know that feeling when you can’t stand being away from a person for more than a minute, or when you feel like you can’t live without a person, regardless of how they treat you? Like most people, you would believe you’re in love. But, what if someone told you that what you’re feeling actually isn’t love? Head over heels is an understatement for how you feel because this person does everything for you. So, what if he’s verbally abusive and you’ve decided to just deal with it, does that mean what you two have isn’t love? The topic of “what is real love” has and always will be controversial. With there being little to no examples of what love is, especially when growing up in single-parent households or being surrounded by dysfunctional relationships, it can be hard for us to sometimes know what love looks like and what it feels like.
You may ask yourself, “If it isn’t love…why does it feel this way?” The truth is, love can be confused with so many other feelings, emotions, and actions that no one can really define what it should feel like or what it is, but we can tell you what it isn’t. Keep reading below to find the top five reasons why it isn’t love, even when you may think it is.
- There’s an excessive need – Excessive neediness to be with your partner is not love; it’s an insecurity stemming from a lack of trust and will form a less than loving relationship. Feeling like you can’t live or breathe without a person is dangerous to you and your partner.
- There’s negative intentions – You’re with him because of money, status, sex, etc. and you wouldn’t be there the second he lost it all or stopped being sexy, and vice versa. Love is pure and free. Things like material possessions and social status shouldn’t dictate love, and a relationship fueled on sex is lust, not love.
- There’s a constant need for change – Whether it’s you trying to change him, or him trying to change you, it isn’t love, it’s manipulation. Unless he’s a drug abuser or something drastic as such, you shouldn’t be trying to change him and he shouldn’t be trying to change you. When you love someone you accept them for who they are. So, when there’s manipulation taking place to mold the other into what you want them to be, it’s not love.
- There’s abuse and drama – Whether the abuse is physical or verbal doesn’t matter, it isn’t love. Love does not hurt; heartbreaks and slaps to the face hurt. Contrary to popular belief, love is not excessive drama and dysfunction because you shouldn’t be able to hurt someone you claim to love. In fact, love is the exact opposite. It’s one of the most uplifting feelings in the world, and anything that puts you down isn’t love.
- You have to convince yourself it’s love – If you’re stuck between whether you’re in love or not, nine times out of 10 you’re not. When it’s love, sometimes you just know it. It’s a feeling like no other. Though it may be hard to express, love shouldn’t be confusing. If the butterflies are absent, then so is love.
Written By: Kahina Ray